Unnatural Bread

I purchased a loaf of bread at the end of August after moving to school. At the grocery store, I took far longer than I should have in choosing which bread would be the healthiest, in regard to whole grains, low-fructose corn syrup, etc. I came home with "Baker's Inn," which seemed healthy and only cost $2.50 + tax.

Good deal.

However, I have recently begun to question its legitimacy as a food product. It should have expired the first week of September, but it's still going strong. Week-old loaves turn green faster than my seasick aunt on a dinghy, but not this stuff. It looks fine- it tastes fine, and that's creeping me out.

How many preservatives must the inn-ful of bakers have shoved into that bread before they let it loose on the market? An incredibly and unnaturally high amount, I have determined.

But I say this only because the its "sell-by" date was a month ago, and it has shown no signs of aging. Perhaps my bread has been botoxed. It should probably move to L.A.

Sausages!

Many TV commercials are incredibly bad, and the American public has mostly recognized this. SAUSAGES!

Half of the gimmicks don't even relate to what they're advertising. Example: There was a fabric softener commercial where a woman tossed a full laundry basket on top of her SUV and spent most of her 30 seconds driving through the winding wilderness. "This is an SUV commercial," I SAUSAGES! determined. "The basket isn't tipping over, which shows how smoothly the car rides to and through a person's dream destination." Alas, I was wrong.

The woman began to hang her laundry on a line (in the middle of a meadow, or something), and suddenly the Snuggle Bear leaped out and snuffed her, or whatever it is he does. Then the flowers danced, the planets aligned, the lady smiled, and there was world peace. (I'll leave it to you to cut off wherever believability crosses the line here.)

My point is that I think that commercials are bad, especially the J.G. Wentworth "It's my money, and I need it NOW." But the fact remains that we still lap it up and allow it into pop culture. Who can forget the SAUSAGES! Budweiser frogs belching in our faces, "Bud-weis-errrr," or the eternal "Whazzzaaaap?" (Was that a phone commercial? I don't even remember, and I remember weird things.)

However, there is one beer ad that I particularly adore this year: the Bud Light Talking Animals commercial. Those who've heard me mention it will know it as "Sausages." SAUSAGES! Let's take a look, shall we?



I'm not trying to induce others to worship this ad in a cult-like manner, but come on.That's funny. Mum and everyone I work with think so, and that's enough for me.

But all the other commercials are bad.

SAUSAGES!

How Badly Do You Want It?

I think it's interesting how some people so blatantly treat their bodies like crud.

Working at the summertime seashore, I witness a number of people whose sunburned skin could rival the steamed red of the crabs they ordered. Once at the beach, I saw a rather large woman baking in the sun (who wants his well-done?). This overweight woman was completely burned, and then she lifted a cigarette as I passed. So, she has two chances at heart disease and two at cancer. Hope lobster lady gets enough antioxidants; those free-radicals won't stabilize themselves.

Recently, a pair of spray paint artists came to my school to make nifty little pictures for anyone willing to wait in line for long enough. They wore big gas masks to keep the fumes away (imagine sitting in a tent for hours with a dozen cans of paint). But as my turn approached, one artist got up to take a break. He coughed once in the fumes of the paint, and pulled out a pack of cigarettes while walking away. Way to beat up your lungs, bro. How badly do you want it?